Helahel

Marrying in isolation

Marrying in isolation

IrishSis_Muslimah Created Jun 27, 2020 17:58
11 Comments

Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatu. I hope ye are all well. Seeking genuine advice here.. I hope others can learn from responses too.

I was told it is best not to marry someone in isolation i.e. marrying someone, not knowing their friends or family well. This is because if problems were to arise in the marriage, it may be difficult to seek counsel or advice from a third party both you and your partner respect and know well.

With this is mind, it sometimes worries me to marry or show interest in brothers that live very far away or are of a different culture. I know this is not a good reason to reject a proposal so I am asking you.. how can people like myself practically tackle such an issue?

 

This topic has 19 comments

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Deleted User

Jun 27, 2020 22:59

Dont marry into a situation your not comfortable with. Simple.

IrishSis_Muslimah

Jun 27, 2020 23:56

@Beauty: Agreed. But the nature of meeting people online is always a bit "extra" risky because you are not familiar with eachother.

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Deleted User

Jun 28, 2020 00:05

Exactly. So make your choices with that knowledge. 🙂

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Deleted User

Jun 28, 2020 00:10

Try not to focus on "what if's"..try to focus on "what is".

Abrar Qureshi

Jun 28, 2020 07:56

@irish coincidentally i have the same question as yours and it's been haunting me since the first day, i was always skeptical but then i said let's give it a try let's make an account. How well can a system like this actually work? How many success stories are here. I am not here to discourage anyone but just asking questions. Different cultures, mindset does make a difference and i would love to hear a lot of different view points. Beauty has made a very valuable point, to make choices with knowledge.👍

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Deleted User

Jun 28, 2020 09:18

Remember not to overthink things, or create issues in your imagination that hasnt happened yet. Tackle the issue if it comes up. That problem may never arise...remember Allah knows your anxieties..trust that Allah will protect you if you ask. Dont forget the reasons we believe...Allah is there for you...use Him as He asks us to and have faith that He will protect you!

IrishSis_Muslimah

Jun 28, 2020 12:51

@Juliatotallybored: JazakhAllah khayr 👍🏾

abbey3000

Jun 28, 2020 15:23

Sallam aleikum.. marrying in isolation is not the problem but getting to know the person 's intention is quite essential..so many unreal people out there.. because ,I do believe that love could be found anyway.love has no boundaries..

IrishSis_Muslimah

Jun 28, 2020 19:48

@abbey3000: Wa alaykum salaam. Very true!
What I've learnt from all the responses are that having tawakkul and being your own little detective are essential in these situations.

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Deleted User

Jul 6, 2020 18:02

I married a Pakistani brother from another site about 6 years ago. When we married I required him to come to the Masjid in my community & to meet my father's friends as my father has passed away (ilawilar). The marriage went well until the other wife started with hardship - I cannot tolerate fitna & drama so I requested divorce. I can always have ANY brother I was married to provide a reference for a potential spouse. I also have many people from my community to vouch for my character.
I say use patience & caution. Ask for your requirements & expectations at the front!!!
I also require any potential mate to provide a full work up of blood testing & recite at least 1 sura (so I know he can lead salah)
His income must match or exceed my own.
My Son is my Wali so every potential suitor must also speak with him. I have met some decent prospects & I am simply being patient & taking my time.
If he has another wife - she MUST be at peace - I will never fight with another Sister over flesh. It's too easy to find some one who is peaceful. Allahu-alam

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Deleted User

Jul 6, 2020 19:27

@Juliatotallybored what have I said that's wrong

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CeoCeo

Jul 6, 2020 19:55

Salam
To the community, its active users, its inactive users, its absent user, its readers, its moderators, owners and to its male and female non-responsive members.
Al hamdulillah

I have read this post with some interest.
I read here more than I.contribute, primarily because I have nothing to say that is not already said nor nothing to ask that is not already answered, here in some part of the forum or in some conduct or behaviour of a member, including those sisters who select and pick and choose without the knowledge that it is men who spend of what they have on women, as is required and not the other way round.
I shudder to think what the environment would be if it was women who spend of what they have on women.

Sisters in Allah's(swt) Religion Of Submission, be grateful to the brothers and do not be caught being otherwise by our Lord(awj) either in pre-/post- or during mode of any engagement, be it conversation.
What we do to one member of the community we do in principle to all members of the community, if you only knew

The brothers (and sisters) here are not handbags (or latest widget) and ought not to be treated as such, astaghfirallah.

THIS POST AND ITS REASON FOR ITS ADDITION HERE
I have posted this elsewhere on this site.
I was hoping an erudite and knowledgeable sister would do a female version for this site, so there will be some measurement, or common terms on which the Islamic engagement can take place.

The post is the post and the members responded they way they responded and their attitude and response is a measure of what it is a measure and indicator of.

A contributor here made a statement about requiring "blood work" and that is an important.
It is prudent and wisdom is as wisdom does.

SIDEBAR
In my case, I provided medical certification on every aspect of health from my country and had them notarized.
When I came to my current wife's country they required it again ..
I did it willingly, plus more according to their standards and paid for the same to be done by my wife-prospect . It cost a very pretty penny, but it was necessary for everyone to move forward.

Al hamdulillah, the reports were excellent and are still so 20 years on. Al hamdulillah.
END SIDEBAR

HEALTH ASSESSMENT AND REPORTS
I recommend joint health assessments, especially if one or both parties were married before.

I now add the post here, since its an active topic.
Perhaps the second time around someone will do a follow-up or improvement of the following.

(BEGIN REPOST OF BRIDE PRIMER)
Assalamualaikum Helahel-ers

Bismilla...

I am relatively new here.

NASEEHAH
(1) The Sister's who block sincere brothers, because of age, country of origin or residence or race, or Islamic Adhabs.

(2) Who ignore brother's Islamic greeting without even wishing him the same sincere greeting in Islam.

HELPERS, WARNERS AND REMINDERS OF EACH OTHER
Fear Allah(swt) your sins and a day when you will be called to account on this very matter.

EMPTY PROFILES
I have seen and looked on the profile of many purported females on the site and a large number of these profiles have nothing that would make these profiles attractive to a seeker. I speak on behalf of myself and any other Muslim men here who have my concerns, but have not said them yet.

MISSING INFORMATION
(Screams " I am problem Spouse", Run!")

That absence could be an indicator of many (bad) things, which do not fall within the purview of this post and so they will not be treated with.

FILLING AN ISLAMIC GAP
In light of the above and the missing information from female users and in a bid to make a worthwhile contribution to this site and its users, as well as my own search and improve the seek, engage, marry success rate of the the platform, I contribute below what I will call the:

MUSLIM GROOM - QUESTION ALPHABET
"Muslim Bride Primer - The Alphabet Of Questions From The Groom"

SUGGESTIONS IN ISLAM
I suggest that all thinking MUSLIMAH either add all or a portion of THE ANSWERS to these questions to their Helahel Profile or be willing to answer these questions in the first conversations.

ISLAMIC TALKING POINT
Among other things this gives everyone something to talk about, to expect and removes that willingness to be lazy and say " Just Ask Me!"

INSHA ALLAH
These questions are not exhaustive, I just initiated the process, insha Allah, they are, inspirational, productive and lead to better engagements that lead to Islamic nikahs worthy of emulation by the youth in our community..

ISLAMIC DISCOURSE
Insha Allah, my sincere attempt helps to bring the conversations back to nikah, back to Islam and away from our own un-unIslamic preferences.
aameen aameen al hamdulillahi rabbil aalameen.

SISTER'S VERSION
Insha allah, a pious sister after the manner of Aisha(RA) may use my contribution here as a template to do a sister's version to ask Muslim men on the platform.

(1)
"Have no fear of man. Fear Me. Qur'an 5:45"

(2)
"And if all the trees in the earth were pens, and the sea, with seven more seas to help it, were ink, the words of Allah could not be exhausted. Qur'an 31:27"

(3)
"And when a party of them said, Why do you admonish a people whom God would destroy, or whom He would chastise with a severe torment? they said: To be free from blame before your Lord, perchance they may fear God"

(BEGIN PRIMER)

(A) Were you married before?
(B) (1) Are you Islamically and legally available, meaning if you were married are you Islamically and legally divorced?

(B) (2) Are your parents or a wali available to speak and conduct the relevant portions of the Islamic nikah you plan?

(C) If you have never married before, are you willing to provide certification from your country of citizenship or residence that says that according to their records that you were not married before?

(D) Do you have children?

(E) Do you want more children?

(F) Are you willing to adopt children?

(G) Will you accept a spouse who has children already?

(H) Do you have a limit on the children you plan or can have?

(I) If you have a child-limit how do you propose to control and maintain that limit?

(J) Are you willing to relocate?

(K) If you are willing to relocate will you do so with your children?

(L) If you are willing to relocate are relocating with your parents also?

(M) Do you have racial preference?

(N) Do you have a country preference?

(O) Do you accept Islamic poligyny as per Quran and Sunnah?

(P) How soon can you be available to marry someone you select?

(Q) Will you accept someone with a disability?

(R) Do you have any disability yourself?

(S) Will you admit to medical issues/history I should know about in our first conversation?

(T) Whether you were married before or not, are you willing for both you and your selected partner to undergo medical testing at the same clinic paid for, by either party or yourselves before the nikah.?

(U) What kind of dowry are you expecting?

(V) (1)What kind of nikah are you expecting?

(V) (2) Do agree to conduct yourself at all times during the relationship, only on the basis of Quran and Sunnah and not on the basis of your own selective preferences or on non-Islamic standards?

(V) (3) What will make you wish to leave the relationship?

(W) Will you choose to work in your area (if any) area of Expertise, at anytime during the relationship?

(X) Will you agree to Islamic and Institutional Education/Training in this relationship, in other words, are you willing to be educated/trained beyond your current station to poverty-proof the relationship?

(Y) Do you wish to and will only be comfortable being a housewife and/or mother only or would you also if you can agree to assist in Masjid activities or Islamic charities or even involve yourself working in your own area of interests or expertise in your own spare time to develop and constructively occupy yourself?

(Z) Beyond being a mother and wife, what other skills or achievements, personal, professional, economic etc do have now (not including, gardening, cooking, home-making, love-making) that you come to the relationship with, in other words, of all the things you require of me, handsome, pious, educated, open-minded, being your imam, follower of Quran and Sunnah, wealthy, stable, unmarried, no children, no wives, caring, cuddling, hand-holding, exciting, accept your parents and children living with us, travelling, Saum, Zakat, Hajj, Umrah, what are you trading for my qualities and achievement that you desire?

COMMENTS
Insha Allah a sister who can sincerely answer all those questions is ready for Islamic nikah. May Allah(swt) accept her practice of His (awj) Religion Of Submission, through which we are promised peace.
Aameen Aameen al hamdulillahi rabbil aalameen

(AA)
Oh You Who Believe | " Truly, Allah has decreed some obligations, so do not neglect them, and He has forbidden certain matters, so do not perpetrate them, and He established some boundaries, so do not violate them. "Every action not based on our instruction is rejected " [Muslim]

(AB)
(4:65) "But no, by your Lord, they can have no faith until they make you (Muhammad, (pbuh) ) judge in all disputes between them, and find in their souls no resistance against your decisions, but accept them with the fullest conviction."

(AC)
Chapter (33) Sūrat l-aḥzāb
Yusuf Ali: It is not fitting for a Believer, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Messenger to have any option about their decision: if any one disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong Path.

(AD)
(7:163) And ask the people of Moses concerning the town situated along the sea, how its people profaned the Sabbath when fish came to them breaking the water's surface on Sabbath days and would not come to them on other than Sabbath-days. Thus did We try them because of their disobedience.

(7:164) And recall when a party of them said: 'Why do you admonish a people whom Allah is about to destroy or punish severely?' They said: 'We admonish them in order to be able to offer an excuse before Your Lord, and in the hope that they will guard against disobedience.'

(7:165) Then, when they forgot what they had been exhorted, We delivered those who forbade evil and afflicted the wrong-doers with a grievous chastisement, because of their evildoing.

(7:166) And when they persisted in pursuing that which had been forbidden We said: 'Become despised apes.'

(AE)
3:13 So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?

(END PRIMER - CeoCeo/SG)
(END REPOST OF BRIDE PRIMER)


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CeoCeo

Jul 6, 2020 19:59

(CORRECTING.AN ERROR IN.THE PRECEDING POST - ABOUT "WOMEN SPENDING ON WOMEN - IT SHOULD BE WRITTEN "WOMEN SPENDING ON MEN"

Please do forgive the error.

Salam
To the community, its active users, its inactive users, its absent user, its readers, its moderators, owners and to its male and female non-responsive members.
Al hamdulillah

I have read this post with some interest.
I read here more than I.contribute, primarily because I have nothing to say that is not already said nor nothing to ask that is not already answered, here in some part of the forum or in some conduct or behaviour of a member, including those sisters who select and pick and choose without the knowledge that it is men who spend of what they have on women, as is required and not the other way round.
I shudder to think what the environment would be if it was women who spend of what they have on MEN.
(CORRECTED HERE)

Sisters in Allah's(swt) Religion Of Submission, be grateful to the brothers and do not be caught being otherwise by our Lord(awj) either in pre-/post- or during mode of any engagement, be it conversation.
What we do to one member of the community we do in principle to all members of the community, if you only knew

The brothers (and sisters) here are not handbags (or latest widget) and ought not to be treated as such, astaghfirallah.

THIS POST AND ITS REASON FOR ITS ADDITION HERE
I have posted this elsewhere on this site.
I was hoping an erudite and knowledgeable sister would do a female version for this site, so there will be some measurement, or common terms on which the Islamic engagement can take place.

The post is the post and the members responded they way they responded and their attitude and response is a measure of what it is a measure and indicator of.

A contributor here made a statement about requiring "blood work" and that is an important.
It is prudent and wisdom is as wisdom does.

SIDEBAR
In my case, I provided medical certification on every aspect of health from my country and had them notarized.
When I came to my current wife's country they required it again ..
I did it willingly, plus more according to their standards and paid for the same to be done by my wife-prospect . It cost a very pretty penny, but it was necessary for everyone to move forward.

Al hamdulillah, the reports were excellent and are still so 20 years on. Al hamdulillah.
END SIDEBAR

HEALTH ASSESSMENT AND REPORTS
I recommend joint health assessments, especially if one or both parties were married before.

I now add the post here, since its an active topic.
Perhaps the second time around someone will do a follow-up or improvement of the following.

(BEGIN REPOST OF BRIDE PRIMER)
Assalamualaikum Helahel-ers

Bismilla...

I am relatively new here.

NASEEHAH
(1) The Sister's who block sincere brothers, because of age, country of origin or residence or race, or Islamic Adhabs.

(2) Who ignore brother's Islamic greeting without even wishing him the same sincere greeting in Islam.

HELPERS, WARNERS AND REMINDERS OF EACH OTHER
Fear Allah(swt) your sins and a day when you will be called to account on this very matter.

EMPTY PROFILES
I have seen and looked on the profile of many purported females on the site and a large number of these profiles have nothing that would make these profiles attractive to a seeker. I speak on behalf of myself and any other Muslim men here who have my concerns, but have not said them yet.

MISSING INFORMATION
(Screams " I am problem Spouse", Run!")

That absence could be an indicator of many (bad) things, which do not fall within the purview of this post and so they will not be treated with.

FILLING AN ISLAMIC GAP
In light of the above and the missing information from female users and in a bid to make a worthwhile contribution to this site and its users, as well as my own search and improve the seek, engage, marry success rate of the the platform, I contribute below what I will call the:

MUSLIM GROOM - QUESTION ALPHABET
"Muslim Bride Primer - The Alphabet Of Questions From The Groom"

SUGGESTIONS IN ISLAM
I suggest that all thinking MUSLIMAH either add all or a portion of THE ANSWERS to these questions to their Helahel Profile or be willing to answer these questions in the first conversations.

ISLAMIC TALKING POINT
Among other things this gives everyone something to talk about, to expect and removes that willingness to be lazy and say " Just Ask Me!"

INSHA ALLAH
These questions are not exhaustive, I just initiated the process, insha Allah, they are, inspirational, productive and lead to better engagements that lead to Islamic nikahs worthy of emulation by the youth in our community..

ISLAMIC DISCOURSE
Insha Allah, my sincere attempt helps to bring the conversations back to nikah, back to Islam and away from our own un-unIslamic preferences.
aameen aameen al hamdulillahi rabbil aalameen.

SISTER'S VERSION
Insha allah, a pious sister after the manner of Aisha(RA) may use my contribution here as a template to do a sister's version to ask Muslim men on the platform.

(1)
"Have no fear of man. Fear Me. Qur'an 5:45"

(2)
"And if all the trees in the earth were pens, and the sea, with seven more seas to help it, were ink, the words of Allah could not be exhausted. Qur'an 31:27"

(3)
"And when a party of them said, Why do you admonish a people whom God would destroy, or whom He would chastise with a severe torment? they said: To be free from blame before your Lord, perchance they may fear God"

(BEGIN PRIMER)

(A) Were you married before?
(B) (1) Are you Islamically and legally available, meaning if you were married are you Islamically and legally divorced?

(B) (2) Are your parents or a wali available to speak and conduct the relevant portions of the Islamic nikah you plan?

(C) If you have never married before, are you willing to provide certification from your country of citizenship or residence that says that according to their records that you were not married before?

(D) Do you have children?

(E) Do you want more children?

(F) Are you willing to adopt children?

(G) Will you accept a spouse who has children already?

(H) Do you have a limit on the children you plan or can have?

(I) If you have a child-limit how do you propose to control and maintain that limit?

(J) Are you willing to relocate?

(K) If you are willing to relocate will you do so with your children?

(L) If you are willing to relocate are relocating with your parents also?

(M) Do you have racial preference?

(N) Do you have a country preference?

(O) Do you accept Islamic poligyny as per Quran and Sunnah?

(P) How soon can you be available to marry someone you select?

(Q) Will you accept someone with a disability?

(R) Do you have any disability yourself?

(S) Will you admit to medical issues/history I should know about in our first conversation?

(T) Whether you were married before or not, are you willing for both you and your selected partner to undergo medical testing at the same clinic paid for, by either party or yourselves before the nikah.?

(U) What kind of dowry are you expecting?

(V) (1)What kind of nikah are you expecting?

(V) (2) Do agree to conduct yourself at all times during the relationship, only on the basis of Quran and Sunnah and not on the basis of your own selective preferences or on non-Islamic standards?

(V) (3) What will make you wish to leave the relationship?

(W) Will you choose to work in your area (if any) area of Expertise, at anytime during the relationship?

(X) Will you agree to Islamic and Institutional Education/Training in this relationship, in other words, are you willing to be educated/trained beyond your current station to poverty-proof the relationship?

(Y) Do you wish to and will only be comfortable being a housewife and/or mother only or would you also if you can agree to assist in Masjid activities or Islamic charities or even involve yourself working in your own area of interests or expertise in your own spare time to develop and constructively occupy yourself?

(Z) Beyond being a mother and wife, what other skills or achievements, personal, professional, economic etc do have now (not including, gardening, cooking, home-making, love-making) that you come to the relationship with, in other words, of all the things you require of me, handsome, pious, educated, open-minded, being your imam, follower of Quran and Sunnah, wealthy, stable, unmarried, no children, no wives, caring, cuddling, hand-holding, exciting, accept your parents and children living with us, travelling, Saum, Zakat, Hajj, Umrah, what are you trading for my qualities and achievement that you desire?

COMMENTS
Insha Allah a sister who can sincerely answer all those questions is ready for Islamic nikah. May Allah(swt) accept her practice of His (awj) Religion Of Submission, through which we are promised peace.
Aameen Aameen al hamdulillahi rabbil aalameen

(AA)
Oh You Who Believe | " Truly, Allah has decreed some obligations, so do not neglect them, and He has forbidden certain matters, so do not perpetrate them, and He established some boundaries, so do not violate them. "Every action not based on our instruction is rejected " [Muslim]

(AB)
(4:65) "But no, by your Lord, they can have no faith until they make you (Muhammad, (pbuh) ) judge in all disputes between them, and find in their souls no resistance against your decisions, but accept them with the fullest conviction."

(AC)
Chapter (33) Sūrat l-aḥzāb
Yusuf Ali: It is not fitting for a Believer, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Messenger to have any option about their decision: if any one disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong Path.

(AD)
(7:163) And ask the people of Moses concerning the town situated along the sea, how its people profaned the Sabbath when fish came to them breaking the water's surface on Sabbath days and would not come to them on other than Sabbath-days. Thus did We try them because of their disobedience.

(7:164) And recall when a party of them said: 'Why do you admonish a people whom Allah is about to destroy or punish severely?' They said: 'We admonish them in order to be able to offer an excuse before Your Lord, and in the hope that they will guard against disobedience.'

(7:165) Then, when they forgot what they had been exhorted, We delivered those who forbade evil and afflicted the wrong-doers with a grievous chastisement, because of their evildoing.

(7:166) And when they persisted in pursuing that which had been forbidden We said: 'Become despised apes.'

(AE)
3:13 So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?

(END PRIMER - CeoCeo/SG)
(END REPOST OF BRIDE PRIMER)




IrishSis_Muslimah

Jul 6, 2020 20:30

@Israr5: Thank you for your addition. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon. May your father be granted Al Jannah Firdaws. Ameen. I never thought of a full blood work report or health assessment. That is probably due to my age. I would have just taken the person's word. Important though.

IrishSis_Muslimah

Jul 6, 2020 20:32

@CeoCeo: Wa alaykum salaam. JazakhAllah kheiyr.

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Deleted User

Jul 7, 2020 00:18

@ceoceo, Jazaakallahu khayr
Helpful masha'Allah.
The tone of advice, comments was very gentle and courteous. A nice change.

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CeoCeo

Jul 7, 2020 03:44

Assalamualaikum; Wa alaikum salam, wa iyyaka; wa iyyaki; wa iyyakum, respectively to the respondents (Muslim bros/soros, community of others ) who have given of their time to read, comment and share their position (acceptable or otherwise) with the post I submitted.

TO YOU AND YOU AND EVEN YOU
Shukran for being patient with my contribution and for every time and effort expended in treating with this post.

MAY I?
Please allow me to respond to you personally at your profile, restrictively and only to your expression of "JAZAKHALA KHAYR".

The sole reason is that I do not wish to inflate the number of contributions with my responses and in so doing give a false expectation of many contributors to the post, when in point of fact it is only one poster acknowledging others, suba ana Allah!

MA SA LAMAH
The contribution is the contribution, your responses are what they are and I will support your right to differ on matter and to be wrong in it and also to be right in it.

And if I am incorrect in any of the above, bear witness also that I am sincere and intended right conduct but also, moreso apologetic and repentant for exposing you to my error and am apologizing for myself and for you.

The pen is lifted, the page has turned, the writer has no more to contribute and yield this space to the community, to his betters, insha allah. Ameen

Salam ihklas
CeoCeo/SG

Neutralist

Jul 8, 2020 20:02

A salamualaikum
I've read comments and I m beginning to get really tired with all this stories and advises.
Fisabilillah. Just give a brief summery of what ever advice you wish to give.
May Allah guide us aright and may he forgive our short comings.
Amin.
Jazakallahu khairan

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Deleted User

Jul 9, 2020 09:48

Forgive our "short" comings. 😀 Get it?!..the irony?! Good one. 😊

 

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