Helahel

What do you give or want for Mahr?

What do you give or want for Mahr?

Zahra Created May 31, 2020 15:59
29 Comments

Assalamu'alaikum Brother Sister,

I would like to know your honest opinion about a suitable Mahr.

For brother:
What do you give for Mahr?
Why do you give it for Mahr?

For sister:
What do you want for Mahr?
Why do you want it for Mahr?

Thank you

 

This topic has 32 comments

Abu Maryam Al Salafy

May 31, 2020 18:29

according to Aisha, peace and mercy of Allah be upon her --A woman’s happiness is to simplify her marriage and reduce her marriage gift (mahr)” (Ibnu Hibban).

Farid

May 31, 2020 18:41

The mahr should be simple and reasonable. “Go and look for something, even if it is a ring of iron.” (Al-Bukhari). “The best of dowers is the simplest.” (Al-Hakim, Al-Bayhaqi)

No Photo

Finaladd

May 31, 2020 20:20

For me as a man, I can give all extra money I saved in one year above than my essentials. This answers both your man questions.

Peace Guy

May 31, 2020 21:29

A man must give whatever mahr the waliyy sets, even if it is a car or a house. It is the woman's gift from Sharia.

The mahr is compensation for the Muslima's purity, which is lost upon marriage. If something goes wrong with the marriage, she keeps the mahr. In practice, the more desirable the Muslima, the higher the mahr. If it is too high for the man, then no nika will occur. Therefore, an older Muslima, a widowed or a divorced Muslima will usually have a much lower mahr to encourage a man to marry her. This is the understanding of "reduced" (Ibnu Hibban) and "simple" (Al-Hakim, Al-Bayhaqi) mahr, to encourage marriage with less desirable choices.

It's not fair to ask women what they want because it will lead them to brag about their purity or embarrass them for a lack thereof. This is because of the same principle that sets the value.

Moreover, if a Muslima really likes a man, she can always reduce the mahr to make nika happen.

May all of us be worthy to pay the proper (high or low) mahr for the completion of our deen.

Amir

Jun 1, 2020 00:13

What makes you happy?

Zahra

Jun 1, 2020 01:25

@amir, if you have time to read my profile insyaalloh you will understand what makes me happy.

Thank you to brothers who already give comments.

Maybe can tell more what exactly you will give or maybe suitable amount in your personal opinion or usual in your country or culture also no problem.

Thank you

Seyed farzad 🌹

Jun 1, 2020 01:45

dear zahra Having a good life with a loving spouse is important to you or thinking about mahr!
Of course, I know you care about your family and they need you .....
Many Muslim girls on this site either want to escape financial poverty or travel to European countries to live a better life(Childish dreams)
Of course, women should also be given the right to guarantee their future Especially in today's world ....
But it is better for a woman to value the love, morals, family, and the knowledge of her suitor in the first place and than think about mahr .....

Zahra

Jun 1, 2020 04:20

@seyed farzad, you are right, having a good life with loving husband is important. I agree with you.

I ask here if a brother gives something for a mahr what is the reason. Maybe some think money is more flexible to use, maybe she wants to give some to family. It is easier to use than a house, a car, or gold. But maybe some think a house for Mahr is good, I don't know.

Or maybe other thing for Mahr that's usual in the culture.

Sample, Panaik money, here is a cultural gift (money), given by groom to bride, and usually the number is fantastic. This year even it is viral a Panaik money almost USD 215,000.
And it is not because of she married a foreigner.

Not all culture have this cultural gift.

I just want to know what's that usually suitable for brothers and sisters here.

Thank you

Amir

Jun 1, 2020 04:53

USD 215,000 reminded me of this clip from Coming to America (1988) https://youtu.be/Md0LvQ9gANc

Zahra

Jun 1, 2020 06:17

@amir it is not available so I don't understand what you want to show.

Panaik money, or shopping money, is a money that is given to her family when a man propose her.

The amount of Panaik money shows how a man respect her.

Panaik money is different from Mahr and not wedding gifts that often brought on wedding day.

Here bride gets Mahr and wedding gifts from her husband on the wedding day.

And the viral Panaik money is about USD 215,000 if it is in USD, it is said she still gets a house, a car and a diamond (maybe for her ring).

Interesting culture, how about in other culture and country?

Thank you

Abu Maryam Al Salafy

Jun 1, 2020 11:57

I do not understand you are a Muslim ?? for Muslims there can be one culture and this is the culture of Islam,,and not the culture of individual peoples and tribes,,,I do not know any panaics, I know the Prophet Muhammad, (S.A.S)and his righteous companions (R.A)

Amir

Jun 1, 2020 12:55

Back to basics, 1 sweet date from the best Arabic palm tree as her first Mahr and 2 dates after divorces 😂
It depends on the man's financial ability and the understanding of the woman and her family. The goal is to ease the marriage process and not like some families, when you ask to marry their daughters they ask too much, more than the Mahr.

33 years ago my oldest brother wanted to merry a woman, her family asked for a big party all the cost including dresses for her and her aunts must be paid by my brother. My oldest sisters, asked the aunts, where is the exit door, they didn't finish to drink their tea. 🤣

Some families latterly selling their daughters. It become a good business in some countries. After that in 1 year my brother married a good woman, they have children and grandchildren.They have a very successful children, financially and academically.

Abu Maryam Al Salafy

Jun 1, 2020 13:50

))) these are stupid customs of the tribes, such a problem was in Turkey from which whole generations of youth could not get married,требования большого махра противоречат сунне,

Abu Maryam Al Salafy

Jun 1, 2020 13:50

the demands of great mahr contradict the sunnah,

No Photo

Deleted User

Jun 1, 2020 14:35

To me not everyone values you when you excuse them from your culture's mahr,

For example, my previous marriage, I excuse my Ex the Mahr expenses and ask for just the Noble book.... I was turn to slave after nikha. Alhamdulillah I am a free woman now.

Zahra

Jun 1, 2020 15:58

Thank you brother sister for comments.

@latifa masyaalloh Sister, you are so beautiful, insyaalloh you will find a better husband and have happy life. Aamiin. La tahzan.

@abu hasan al salafy, this gift, Panaik money, or shopping money, maybe similar to Başlığ in Azerbaijan culture.

The difference because Panaik money is a shopping money so it is money only, and Başlığ is not only money, but can be cattle or any wealth.

Maybe you can tell more about Başlığ.

I think a culture as long as not against the aqidah of Islam and bring benefit, we can have it.

Arabs is known for poems as the culture, and Rasululloh pbuh has a best friend who is best poet for his Islamic poems.

So I think Panaik money or Başlığ is a cultural giving to show his love, respect and responsibility to her family.

Panaik money, again is not Mahr, it is given to her family when she is proposed, to provide her family with enough money to shop. Maybe to serve good food for guest, dress her and family nicely, decoration, etc.

So no wonder for a rich family he gives a Panaik money so many, because they maybe rent luxurious hall/hotel, serve good food, dress and make up for all family, provide souvenir to guest, fresh flowers for decoration, wedding cake, documentation, invitation card etc.

If he can give, so why not?

Mahr is different giving, it is for bride, and given on her wedding day.

Here on wedding day usually bride still gets hampers from husband, usually food, cake, fruit, dress, underwear and lingerie, praying clothes, shoes, bag, purse, make up, etc

@amir, your brother sister story makes me smile, where is the exit door. It looks an emergency situation 😆

@hamid, giving before marriage like Panaik money and Mahr, I think already agreed between family before given.

If they are agree with an apple maybe this is good for them.

But the sunnah, Mahr is wealth.

Maybe brother sister can tell for Mahr that is given by Rasululloh pbuh.

Or tell the experience like sister @latifa or brother @amir

Or maybe what brother sister wish to give or get.

Thank you

Abu Maryam Al Salafy

Jun 1, 2020 18:25

Ali R.A. said that the messenger of Allah gave Fatima p.a. as a dowry - one dress, one water skin and a leather pillow (Kitabuz Zuhd, Ahmad bin Khambal, hadith N 70).☝️

Amir

Jun 1, 2020 20:37

Zahra, my oldest sisters went there to talk with three of her aunts, the girl mom was already deceased. This is the first step in some culture and if everything is okay, my father and my brother will officially ask the woman hand from her father. Men don't discuss about details. In Arab countries the Mahr is in 2 parts, the first one is before marriage, parties, dresses, buying a complete set of gold, buying a house and of course it depends on the man financial ability, spending money for their honeymoon and maybe to travel to other countries.

The second part of the Mahr is, when they get divorced, the woman must get her already agreed Mahr, most of the time is a high amount of money. The reason my sisters went off like speedy Gonzales is that they didn't expect that much demands. My brother was in love with her and she loved him but he just left her after that disappointing meeting and went to search for a other woman and few months later he got the best woman. I remember I didn't like her, she was very skinny woman but in the end he got a good fatty one, easy to grab.😂

No Photo

Finaladd

Jun 1, 2020 22:09

@ Zahra,
You said that "Arabs is known for poems as the culture", and since I am Arabic I can surely say that this was in the past and was not for marriages but for moral reasons only.

You also said: "and Rasululloh pbuh has a best friend who is best poet for his Islamic poems". This is also not true. RasoolAllah PBUH best friend is Abu Bakr RAA who was not a poet, but the most believer in Islam.

I highly advise every Muslim to be very cautious and careful when saying anything about Deen, because anyone says a non sure info about Deen is considered liar even if s/he didn't purpose lie. On the other hand, if s/he purposes lie in Deen, s/he will book his/her desk in hell.

Finally, one of the major factors that made Muslims behind and under is their seeking and following - thirsty & runny- other nations same traditions, in a way that wipes Deen teachings, and the problem is that when you ask them, they say: Alhamdulillah we have Iman, so we only take what we find good, without touching our principles. In reality, neither they originally know their principles nor did they have measurements to define what is good and what is bad.

Zahra

Jun 1, 2020 23:52

@abu hasan al salafy, masyaalloh so this is Rasululloh pbuh gift for his beloved daughter?

@amir, I just know Arabs has 2 mahr, the second mahr it is agreed too before marriage?
This is unique if before marriage, family also talk about possibility of divorced. I think usually no one wants a divorced.

@finaladd, so if poems is no more popular culture today for Arabs, what's the popular culture now?

You are right the poems maybe has nothing to do with the marriage or Mahr.
It is a sample if a culture has no conflict with aqidah and there is benefit even Rasululloh pbuh allows it.

And Panaik money or Başlığ in Azerbaijan, or maybe other name in other country, is a culture giving, that is already talked and agreed between families.

So both families are ridho, he is ridho giving the shopping money, and her family is ridho to let their daughter to be with someone who can provide her a good living.

Best friend, is a word for sahabah actually, if any better word to translate it, tell me.

You are right Abu Bakr as-Siddiq is Rasululloh pbuh best friend.
The poet who is known for his heroic and Islamic poems is Abdulloh ibn Rowahah RA.

Maybe you can tell more or make some correction when I make mistake.


Brothers, if you can afford anything, what do you think best for Mahr, and why you choose to give this Mahr?

Thank you

Amir

Jun 2, 2020 02:55

My Belgian friend Philip who was living in Ukraine told me ofan Algerian guy who had come to Ukraine to find a wife because he just couldn't afford to marry in Algeria.

Myself, I met a Chinese guy in Kyiv who came for exact same reasons. He said, girls expected a guy to have an apartment and apartments cost $175,000 and another $50,000 to spend on wedding!!! Of course, neither had any luck in one month their visit visas allowed.

In Urfa, Turkey, hotel owner told me, dowry of a Turkish girl was $60,000, Kurdish was $30,000 and Syrian was $10,000. It was not uncommon to find Syrian women who had been married 7 times for the sake of dowry! He offered to wed me a Syrian for $10,000, but I just didn't trust any of them.

I sound like Ibn Battuta!

Abu Maryam Al Salafy

Jun 2, 2020 05:42

Ali r.a. said that we had nothing but sheep’s skin,on one corner we were sleeping, and on the other Fatima r.anha kneading the dough, (Kitabuz Zuhd ,Ahmad bin Hambal Page 39 hadith N 149)☝️

Zahra

Jun 2, 2020 10:03

@amir that must be a nice apartment because it is $175,000 and a fairy tale wedding with $50,000 😍
Don't forget to add a diamond ring 😆

@abu hasan al salafy, saydina Ali RA is not a rich man, and sayyida Fatima Az Zahra even has no maid to help her. I like this couple, masyaalloh.

Tell from Azerbaijan culture brother.

Thank you

Abu Maryam Al Salafy

Jun 2, 2020 11:32

I'm not interested in any culture other than the culture of Islam))--Ikrima R.A. said that when the messenger of Allah salAllahu alayhi ve sellem, betrayed his daughter in marriage, he gave her an old mattress, a leather pillow and some yogurt as a dowry, and acquaintances brought sand brought by the flood and sprinkled it on the floor of the house ( Kitabuz Zuhd ,Ahmad bin Hambal, page 39 Hadith N 150 )☝️

No Photo

Abdul

Jun 2, 2020 18:53

Meher amount, their is the cultural amount for some people with in the Muslims and then there is the social status amount depending on your social status for meher amount the sky is the limit

but to my understanding the smaller the barakah

Zahra

Jun 3, 2020 16:27

@abu hasan al salafy, is it dowry or gift actually? I think dowry and Mahr same, from husband to wife.

@abdul, actually here we learn, that a good girl is the one who can be thankful even with a cheap Mahr and a good boy is the one who gives his best Mahr.

I think this is a good thing because if he can give his best Mahr why he has to give a cheap Mahr.

Bigger giving insyaalloh bigger barokah right? Because the benefit insyaalloh will be bigger for her.

What do brother sister think about it?

Thank you

No Photo

Deleted User

Jun 3, 2020 18:32

It was a good read, ibn batuta was the best part, anyways my take on this is, the objective of Mahd is not yielding an income, or creating a business out of it, Maher has to be something which isn't burdensome and which doesn't hinder a Nikkah.
Yani if i am earning millions i can afford a million to be Maher, but if i have nothing then i can still pay something which isn't burdensome. May be thousands. Yani

Hope i make the point clear its more easy to understand, if one knows what's Israaf, yani israaf for a billionaire is different then a trillionaire, if one is deliberately keeping a high mehr they are making a mistake i suppose, not higher in the sense that its huge but in the sense that it impedes the person paying it.
There are many facets to life, keeping it simple and not being greedy is better, you will own the guy and being his queen you will have everything he has or you may suffice yourself with a lofty Meher. This is in no way mean that it has to be cheap, it's about affordability.
Quran says, marry so if you are poor ALLAH SWT will make you rich.
Which is not about getting rich with Meher.
Ibn batutta is gonna be spending alot more on travelling.
Salam

Zahra

Jun 3, 2020 19:15

@maddie, you are right, mahr is about best affordability.

If he is a successful businessman, maybe he can afford a jet for Mahr 😆

And if he is an ibn battuta fan, maybe his Mahr is a travel around the world 😆

Thank you

No Photo

Deleted User

Jun 3, 2020 19:52

U r right but Meher needs to be fulfilled immediately Yani, it's Ahsan,whilst traveling the world is gonna take too much time and yet not be fully paid. That's the down side Yani.
But i believe you got the point right.

Zahra

Jun 4, 2020 00:42

@maddie, yes best Mahr is given immediately on wedding day.

Sorry, what does yani mean?

Thank you

Amir

Jun 4, 2020 03:19

Yani = means, meaning. It's part of the lingo so in that sense it really doesn't mean anything.

Zahra

Jun 4, 2020 03:36

@amir, thank you for helping me with language problems 😆

My English is basic 😂

Thank you

 

Leave comment...

You must be logged in to post comments. Please log in or register.