Helahel

"I want to marry... a WALLET."

"I want to marry... a WALLET."

Peace Guy Created Feb 4, 2020 22:25
16 Comments

The subject title is in quotes because it's not me saying that, rather many women on this site. It's not a direct quote, but they might as well be saying that with the attitudes that they have expressed. I've been on this site since summer 2016, so I've had about 3 and 1/2 years to observe patterns of members. I've observed that, besides the many scammers, there are also women who are legitimately looking to get married, but many of them are only interested in marrying a rich man. Many ask very early on in our correspondence about what I do for a living. When they realize I'm not making a lot of money, I don't hear from them again, or minimally, they express concerns as to how I will provide for the family. Some have wanted me to just come visit them and their family in their country and marry them right there without them even visiting Israel to determine whether or not they would be happy here.

As an American revert with a modest lifestyle, these patterns are very different from what I'm used to in searching for a spouse. What happened to compatibility? In my experience, compatibility has always been the most important thing, and forget about money. Even Americans had a positive attitude in the 1970's when Kenny Loggins and Jim Messina made their hit song "Danny's song". One of the lines went like this:

"Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you honey..."

Full song with lyrics for those who listen to music:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lrzSop3Y_KY

(Those who don't listen can turn down the volume or mute the audio and just read the lyrics as it plays.) Liability statement: This is a Western song written in the peak of the feminism movement. Some say that a Muslima cannot take the surname of her husband. This song is not intended to be an example of Muslim marital values or how love should be. The reference is only to show that even Westernized culture can realize that money doesn't have value in a husband wife relationship.

Money can always be earned and lost; it's up to Allah. Don't we believe that Allah will provide for all of our needs and those of our families when we marry? Where's the Iman here?

On the other hand, isn't it up to a married couple to be a team, live life together, treat each other with respect, make each other happy, etc.? Yes, how two people get along is also up to Allah, but Allah also gave human beings the intelligence to determine if there's a possibility of success with our effort and Allah's blessing, or if the relationship is doomed to failure from the start due to incompatibility.

I turned down a woman who claimed to be wealthy because I didn't think we were compatible. I'm looking for a wife to be my companion for life. What good are riches if (what is supposed to be) one's most intimate relationship is miserable? Why do so many women on this site expect happiness with a rich life?

If I indicated wealth in my profile, I could probably have 1000 wives (if Islam permitted more than 4). But because my lifestyle is modest, many nice women simply aren't interested.

To be frank, I don't want to marry a woman who wants to marry a wallet! Lol I want to marry someone who loves me for me. If I were rich, I would be suspicious of any woman interested in marrying me because it would be difficult if not impossible to determine if she really loved me or just wanted my money.

I'm aware that Islam requires the husband to provide for his family's needs. However, "needs" and "wants" are completely different. Does this requirement to provide mean that I have to let my wife buy herself a new designer dress every week? Let's say she needs a car - must I buy her a Mercedes?

Obviously my basic needs such as food are being met, because I'm alive and on the internet. So what's the problem?

May Allah guide us all to discern what is truly important when searching for a spouse, and thereby bless us all with the spouses of our dreams.

Please feel free to express your feelings on this topic, including personal opinions and/or Islamic teachings on this issue. I apologize if I have offended anyone's religious or cultural sensitivities.

 

This topic has 27 comments

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Deleted User

Feb 4, 2020 22:50

You don't understand the oneness yet. You don't understand what islamic marriage is about yet. Muslims marry to help each other throughout this life here on earth. You provide for the other human so they can live their life worshipping and adoring Allah.. not each other. You marry to give selfless, unconditional love..and should feel content with the fact that your helping your partner,and that Allah will reward you for your effort in the hereafter. Both husband and wife help each other in the ways they are suppose to. If you marry someone who you don't particularly enjoy, because of your efforts with your marriage here on earth, you will get the partner that you prefer after you pass from here. Your focus as a Muslim, is to aim for the hereafter..and it seems from what you've said, that your focus in that regard is on the reward of this life, and that is not an lslamic veiw.

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Deleted User

Feb 4, 2020 22:54

If you refused a potential partner because you thought that you weren't compatible, where was your Eman that Allah would make that marriage good for both of you?? As you can see, you just reflected your own faith back at yourself. Peace be upon you.

Farid

Feb 5, 2020 01:27

Unfortunately, this is how some Muslim women are. Understandably, they want to be provided for, but like you said, some just want a rich husband, maybe so they can spend freely. The qualities we should seek in a spouse according to the Qur'an and Sunnah are not always followed by everyone. Humans let their desires and emotions get in the way. Why do you think there are so many problems in the world? I would say in 99% of my correspondences, I'm asked what I do for a living. Those who are up to date with career salaries probably have an idea about my wealth, while others may not.

I fear that you may find searching for a wife a bit more difficult as a new Muslim than you might as non Muslim, I am sorry to say. Non Muslims have generally been much easier to talk to, not as narrow minded, and even easier to get along with. It might be the immigrant mentality of needing money to survive, or thinking that they're so special that they deserver the moon and the stars just because they're Muslim. I'm really not sure. Allahu a'lam.

On the bright side, you have good looks going for you, so that's a plus (assuming your profile picture is of you). Some women care a lot about that, too. Keep in mind that not all women (or families) are up to date on salary information for different fields. For some, they still think that being a doctor, lawyer, or engineer are still the most highly paid professions, so if you are not one of those, they won't talk to you because they probably think you're not wealthy. Maybe that's how things were in their country growing up, so that mentality has stuck with them. Times have changed, but we can't say the same for all peoples' mentality.

What you describe is how marriage *should* be (the way our Prophet (saw) taught us), but the reality is very different, as you are finding out. And to be honest, I'd argue that looks might even take priority over money for some women because money is rarely ever discussed in my conversations with women (only job title). Or maybe some just think I'm a jerk haha. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In most cases, it will remain a mystery, unfortunately, because most women also don't have the respect or courtesy to reply to you if they're not interested, and tell you why. They probably find it easier to just ignore you. It's like finding out you failed an exam, but you're not told why. You have to assume you did something wrong, and take the entire class over again, guessing along the entire way as to what you did wrong the first time. Can you imagine the stress of that?

May Allah make it easy on all of us, and keep us all guided ʾIn shāʾ llāh.

Farid

Feb 5, 2020 01:36

Annabelle, pretty much everything he wrote made sense to me, so for you to say to him, "You don't understand what islamic marriage is about yet.", tells me that it might be you who does not fully understand Islamic marriage. You may have a different opinion, which you are entitled to, but that doesn't make him wrong, and for you to accuse him of not understanding something that you don't agree with is not right.

Husband and wife are supposed to help each other in their service to Allah, yes, but they are also made halal for each other. That's one of the major benefits to marriage. I did not perceive his message to be about wanting pleasure *only* in this life.

Generally speaking, I think reverts have a better understanding of Islam than those who were born into the faith because they had to study it before accepting it (or should have studied it), whereas Muslims from birth are influenced by culture and family. In fact, some reverts even say that they're happy that they learned about Islam through the Qur'an and/or Sunnah, and not through Muslims, because if they learned about it through Muslims, they may not have reverted.

Let that sink in.

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Deleted User

Feb 5, 2020 01:43

Im a revert.

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Deleted User

Feb 5, 2020 01:44

I didn't think he was wrong

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Deleted User

Feb 5, 2020 01:47

Im also from the "west",as some call it.
Bang! All three! 😉
Peace be upon you. 🙂

Farid

Feb 5, 2020 02:20

In that case, you could have phrased your message better. Phrases like "You don't understand [subject]" can be like telling someone they're wrong.

Glad you were able to "Bang" all three. Well done.

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Deleted User

Feb 5, 2020 02:30

There's nothing wrong with offering words that may help what he was enquiring about. Im sorry you don't like my style of wording. Im sure peaceguy won't take offence.

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Deleted User

Feb 5, 2020 02:32

Its good when people don't pick apart your words and just see the msg your trying to convey.

Farid

Feb 5, 2020 02:57

Context and tone are everything when communicating over text. I wasn't trying to pick apart your words, rather to understand the message you were conveying. Just offering my opinion of how I understood it. Sorry if you were offended.

Btw, it's "you're trying to convey" since it's the contraction of "you are". Really not saying this to be mean, only to be helpful.

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Deleted User

Feb 5, 2020 03:06

Yeah..your trying to be nasty. I just ignore nasty people. They are boring.

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Deleted User

Feb 5, 2020 03:20

Alhammdullia that im not a grammer expert! Im fine with not having correct grammer and not being able to please every single person.. don't bother me in the slightest. Alhammdullia i don't get by cheap shots. All praise be to Allah.

Farid

Feb 5, 2020 03:43

Haha Subḥān Allāh. Attaching others and then Praising Allah with the same tongue. And that wasn't a cheap shot. But hey, to each their own. I can't help it when others are super sensitive.

Stay classy, Sister. Salaams.

Pure Heart

Feb 6, 2020 13:39

Salam everyone,

Compatibility between 2 people in a relationship is very essential to determine if there is possibility to carry on the process to next level n the next which can lead to ultimately Marriage. But within the compatibility search, there are always challenges such as the mutual agreement in financial situation, the need for extended family, the status for relocation etc. When such situations happen, the wisdom of why 2 people should be together become the main reason to pursue the relationship because its now 2 people involved in any decision making n no longer just one person. The ‘I’ want this should now be ‘We’ want this....
Feel free to comment

Peace Guy

Feb 7, 2020 15:17

@Annabelle

It takes tenacity and courage to make a public statement about one's views. Not many women on this site have the guts to express their opinions on this forum. Bravo!

Shukran jazilan for your rebuke. A real man can take a hit and remain standing without "getting bent out of shape" (an expression meaning to react with a retaliating spirit).

A wise man once told me: "If someone calls you a donkey, put on a saddle". I understood this to mean that if one is criticized, one must have done something that gave the accuser the impression that one is guilty of the behavior. In this context, I feel that my error is that I haven't communicated effectively.

You seem to have a view of marriage that is full of martyrdom in order to achieve Jannah. This may be meritorious for someone who made a mistake in their choice of spouse, but should a person actually persue such a dynamic in a marital "relationship"?

The reward of Jannah is three things:

1. A perfect spouse;
2. Fruit to eat, and;
3. A place to be.

This eternal reward may be well worth being beaten every day by a drunk husband, but why would you choose such a life when there's another way? Is it not just as easy to get to Jannah holding hands with a loving spouse?

Peace Guy

Feb 7, 2020 15:17

@ Farid

Shukran jazilan for defending me, brother. You wrote something that was very interesting.

"Generally speaking, I think reverts have a better understanding of Islam than those who were born into the faith because they had to study it before accepting it (or should have studied it), whereas Muslims from birth are influenced by culture and family."

There seems to be a psychological phenomenon that people who are raised in a tradition tend to follow it out of rote. It's just the way things are done, whether or not they're understood, and reverts are the opposite. They have embraced the traditions because of the philosophical truths and tend to put their heart and soul into practicing it to the point of martyrdom, as you can see with Annabelle.

Thanks for all the advice.

Peace Guy

Feb 7, 2020 15:18

@ Pure Heart

Some people are selfish, in marriage because it is good for themselves. Me, myself and I. You can go to hell. This attitude creates hell on earth.

Then there are mystics who are other-centered, in marriage for their partners. You, us, and we. Each will get the other to heaven. This attitude creates a heavenly marriage on earth.

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Deleted User

Feb 7, 2020 20:50

It wasn't a rebuke at all. And saying that you should stay with a drunken partner how beats you up is a bit of an extreme thought i wasn't going down. I suppose the saying goes, "you love someone through thick and thin." And when you die, you'll be rewarded for your effort. Thats what i meant.

Farid

Feb 8, 2020 04:31

Peace Guy, I appreciate your thoughtful response. And I appreciate that you don't resort to name-calling when debating someone. Speaks to your character. We should keep in mind that Islam is about moderation. Allah made certain things halal for us in this world to enjoy, and we should take care to remember that, whether that's marriage, material possessions, or anything else that's halal. Being too extreme and strict with certain things is generally not good. For example, if you get married, you are allowed to enjoy your spouse in dunya *while* helping each other achieve Jannah in the akhira. “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought” [Ar-Room 30:21] (source: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/220252/does-there-have-to-be-love-between-husband-and-wife).

Generally speaking (again), there are many examples in our faith of how we should love for our Brother/Sister what we love for ourselves. The selfish mentally that you mentioned of "Me, myself and I. You can go to hell." is a good example of how not to be.

One of my favorite Hadith about marriage is when Prophet Muhammad (saw) said, “A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or religiousness (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper. ” (Muslim) And he said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. “(Bukhari - source is https://www.icna.org/hadiths-the-marriage-process-in-islam/). We should do our best to never forget these important teachings in Islam.

Jazāk Allāhu Khayr for posting this topic, Brother. And I pray for every single person here that we are all granted whatever is best for us ʾIn shāʾ llāh. Ameen.

Peace Guy

Feb 8, 2020 18:42

@ Annabelle

I know that you wouldn't marry a man who drinks (that's haram) or beats his wife. I was merely exaggerating to prove my point. I perceived that you meant that you would stand by your man no matter what. That's why I gave such a ridiculous scenario - to show that not every bad situation can be solved by eman.

I was in a bad marriage for 25 years with someone whom I didn't "enjoy". I indeed gave her "selfless, unconditional love", I was there for her "through thick and thin" (as you advise), but that wasn't enough. The marriage ended in divorce.

As brother Farid pointed out, a man should choose piety over all other permitted reasons to marry. Someone should choose you in merit of your extreme eman.

Peace Guy

Feb 8, 2020 18:59

@ Farid

Afwan. [blushing]

Well put and excellent sources.

Even though it is permitted to marry for money (and I in no way criticize anyone who does so), I still choose to value compatibility (which I think could be under the category of piety/religion as it is an inner quality).

Ameen to your blessing to all, including you!

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Deleted User

Feb 8, 2020 20:39

You will still be rewarded for the selfless love you gave her. 🙂

Amir

Feb 9, 2020 06:48

"Afwan" reminds me our imam when I was in Lviv. He was Ukrainian but learnt his Arabic from Yemen and delivered his sermon in both Russian and Arabic languages. There was a young Ukrainian boy there too who had converted because his girlfriend broke his heart.

Bellav

Feb 9, 2020 11:13

Asalaamu Alaikum,
I would just like to say that not all women want a rich man or are materialistic. Shukr to Allah i for one has had cars and a big home with a huge pool and have lost all of this and I still appreciate that my Rabb gives and takes and that my Rabb is the best planner.Subhanallah.
There has also been some men on this site who I have been in contact with that play with a woman's feelings and emotions and then ask for money to be sent to them by me so they must (Gigilos or Rhinos) also looking for Rich woman in my opinion.
I am looking for a sincere,honest and truthful man and if we work together we can attain some of the best things in life if we need it.
So I don't think we should paint everyone black.

Pure Heart

Feb 12, 2020 01:53

Salam everyone,

I would like to marry a wise man - fair leader, unselfish, humble, flexible, generous, stable (mind, body, spiritual), patient, not afraid to say sorry....

Wallet wise? Depends on the situation

Farid

Feb 12, 2020 04:30

The wallet is only important to provide basic living necessities, comfort, and safety. Anything beyond that is usually extravagant and unnecessary (and possibly unIslamic in certain situations). If a father is giving his daughter away in marriage, he wants to be sure that she will be taken care of.

 

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