Helahel

Criteria for Compatibility

Criteria for Compatibility

Pure Heart Created Feb 3, 2020 01:22
41 Comments

Salam everyone
Most of us state in our profile what we look for in our partner and there is a reason for it. We hope that the ‘Right One’ would connect and we live ‘happily ever after’. However, some feel that there is no such person who could be your ‘Right One’. So my questions are ...
1) should we even say what we look for in our partner?
2) can someone who isn’t what we look for pretend to have these criteria?
3) can forums like these help us move forward or hold us back in choosing the ‘Right person’?

 

This topic has 50 comments

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smartzy1

Feb 3, 2020 09:02

1. No.
2. Yes.
3. Doubtful.

Pure Heart

Feb 6, 2020 13:04

Salam Smartyz,

Ty for your short but straight to the point 😋👍🏻
I hate to say this but l find that l understand some men n women in here better by reading their responses. It shows their intelligence n communication skills n how they express themselves. Tells a lot about people yea?

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smartzy1

Feb 6, 2020 23:28

you're welcome @pure heart it's right people's response can really tell a lot about a person.

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Amir

Feb 7, 2020 02:02

1. You can, but deep inside men are looking for beauty and women are looking for everything.
2. Not necessarily pretend but everyone over-estimates him/her-self.
3. No news is good news. More the news, more cautious and useless a person becomes.

Peace Guy

Feb 7, 2020 07:14

1. Yes, expressing the qualities of what an individual seeks in a spouse helps a sincere candidate to recognize their soulmate.

2. Yes, scammers will tell a victim what the victim wants to hear. However, the truth eventually comes out through the actions and behavior of the scammer. I think that the benefit of communication well outweighs the risk of deception.

3. I think that the forum can have more of a positive effect because it allows individuals to express their views honestly. If they comment one way on one post and contradict themselves on another, they show that something is wrong. Therefore I would say that it could help "move forward". You are correct in the respect that it could potentially "hold back...the 'right person'", if something is misunderstood, however, if such happens, then the person is probably not compatible anyway.

As for the concept of finding the "right one", I have much to comment. However, someone has brought up this subject in another thread and due to the context of the discussion there, I feel that it fits better and will write about it on "I want to marry... a wallet".

Peace Guy

Feb 7, 2020 07:24

@ Amir

Your comments are hilarious. Every funny joke has an element of truth - that's what makes it funny. However, not every man seeks "beauty".

I don't care what a woman looks like physically. This is because I seek the inner beauty of a good personality: Good-natured, loving, kind-hearted, compassionate, forgiving, easy-going, reasonable, understanding, intelligent, intellectual, logical, emotional, sensitive, affectionate, loyal, honest, hard-working, self-starting, responsible, reliable and all the other qualities that match my own personality.

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Deleted User

Feb 7, 2020 07:36

Your seeking beauty, yet you say your not seeking beauty. 😊 Both you men are seeking beauty. Beauty is what is pleasing to the eye, ear or mind. And everyone has their own likes. So really, everyone is seeking beauty.

ally

Feb 7, 2020 08:17

If r true to yourself then finding a patner is instant but on the other hand we trying to grab as many things as we can in a pakage

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Amir

Feb 8, 2020 00:44

Good to see ally (Ali?) after a long time. I thought somehere finally found someone, but, no, Sore!

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Amir

Feb 8, 2020 03:40

Without auto-correction:
Good to see ally (Ali?) after a long time. I thought someone here finally found someone, but, no, Sire

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Deleted User

Feb 8, 2020 03:50

😀😃😄

Peace Guy

Feb 8, 2020 18:37

@ Annabelle

Technically you are right, but they are opposing types of beauty:

- Amir says that men seek physical looks.

- I'm saying that I seek unseen personality.

This difference can have an enormous affect on the success of a marriage:

- A man could marry a woman who looks good to him due to her makeup and when she removes the "mask" he might regret his decision. Eventually she will age and she may not be attractive any more to him. What will hold the marriage together?

- I could marry a woman who looks physically ugly, but I feel drawn to her inner qualities. Even though she will get old and wrinkled, I would still love her for her personality. The quality I found "attractive" is still there to hold the marriage together.

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Deleted User

Feb 8, 2020 20:44

Because as time goes on, you both learn to love each other better. You both get old and wrinkly and cranky! 😄☺️

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Amir

Feb 8, 2020 23:02

Looks like we have one (and only) successful match ever on this site (the above two), both are reverts and both are in the US (don't have to deal with snotty consular officials), so make it happen you two, and name the baby after ally.

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Deleted User

Feb 8, 2020 23:15

Amir, im not from America ir American. 😄

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smartzy1

Feb 8, 2020 23:27

Lol. Now it seems the forum wants the match making tool.
Just looking at #Amir's post 😂

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smartzy1

Feb 8, 2020 23:28

To be*

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Deleted User

Feb 9, 2020 00:40

It cracks me up! 😄😄😀

Peace Guy

Feb 9, 2020 20:04

@Amir

Sorry brother, I'm only *from* the U.S. Now I live in Palestine. Annabelle won't marry me because I don't want to live in her country. Besides, I'm not the cranky type she seeks. Lol

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Amir

Feb 9, 2020 23:14

You can come back if you have any immigration status here. Things are a lot better than they were during the dark days of O-bomba !!!

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smartzy1

Feb 9, 2020 23:46

🤔

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Amir

Feb 10, 2020 03:28

O-bomba = Obama

His days were as dark as his skin color. Economy was in the dump. Many Americans lived abroad in those days surviving by teaching English, etc. Even I lived abroad for 7 years, from Moscow to Dubai to Hong Kong. This is where most of my travel experiences come from. Clearer now.

Pure Heart

Feb 10, 2020 13:24

Salam Everyone
Ty for all your inputs🌺
I have been unwell for almost a week and haven’t really been that active in the forum. I am still recovering from my asthmatic cough but Alhamdulillah with the prayers, medicine, and enough rest, lnsyaAllah l will be better.
@Peace guy
I agree with you on the search for Inner Beauty in a person is extremely on top of the list. My question is how long does it take for anyone to know the inner beauty in a person is the right one for you? What if along the way you think and feel this person is the one for you but you still have some doubts about the person.... where do you go from here?
Should we disregard the little doubts and focus on the rest of the Inner Beauty?
@Amir
I sense your feelings towards your previous president and other things discussed in here. Do you believe in forgiving others n being forgiven by others? The reason l ask this question is l had this feeling once towards an individual n blamed this person for causing harm to others. But as l looked into it deeper, l find that the mistake became an opportunity for some of these victims as they grew stronger and wiser. I then realized that l should have looked at the mistakes in the past as opportunities rather than a loss. I’m not asking you to do anything at all but perhaps you and others like to comment?

Pure Heart

Feb 10, 2020 15:57

Salam everyone,

I am just wondering if any of us are willing to compromise with the compatibility criteria knowing that perhaps we may never meet the Chosen one?For example, if the man that l meet has 8 out of 10 criteria, would l be willing to compromise?

Peace Guy

Feb 10, 2020 22:25

@PureHeart,

Shukran for your intriguing questions. I will do my best to answer them:

Q: "How long does it take for anyone to know the inner beauty in a person is the right one for you?"

A: I think that this depends on the people and the situation. Some people are "in tune" with the spiritual world and can sense a soulmate very quickly, whereas others may never get any feeling of attachment. I think that such recognition can only come during a face-to-face meeting, and don't think that anyone can really recognize an inner quality through writing. This site is only good for a general introduction, and most  correspondence is under the assumption that the person is probably a scammer. This extends the "how long it takes" to impractical lengths of time. I've never actually gotten to the point of meeting someone in person from this site. When I have met a potential marriage candidate in person, I usually can tell within a few meetings whether or not we are compatible. Each situation dictates how long that actually takes to come into fruition.

Q: "What if along the way you think and feel this person is the one for you but you still have some doubts about the person.... where do you go from here?"

A: Face the problems! A person naturally "puts their best foot forward" (meaning that they are on their best behavior, trying to impress a new person) at the beginning of any relationship. This phenomenon eventually wears off, and the person no longer goes out of their way to impress the other. So anything you sensed was wrong at the beginning will only get worse with time, unless it is worked out. Addressing these issues allows one to decide if they can solve the problem, or compromise in order to accomplish more important things.

Q: "Should we disregard the little doubts and focus on the rest of the Inner Beauty?"

A: It depends how one prioritizes the issues. If the doubts are about issues of major importance to you, then those doubts would override any inner beauty. Another example of this is where the doubt is a concern that the person may be controlling or abusive - these types of concerns should always be thoroughly investigated. However, if the doubt is a minor issue in your priorities, and you can deal with the issue, then it could be overlooked.

Q: "[Should one be]...willing to compromise with the compatibility criteria knowing that perhaps we may never meet the Chosen one?"

A: This question is complicated because everyone's situation is different. However, the essence of the answer can be illustrated through a joke.

Three Sisters - a 20-year-old, a 30-year-old, and a 40-year-old - came separately to an Imam to ask the same question.

The 20-year-old asked, "I found someone who will marry me, but he has a television in his house. Do I accept?" The Imam answered, "He's not for you; find someone else."

The 30-year-old asked, "I found someone who will marry me, but he has a television in his house. Do I accept?" The Imam answered, "Ask him if he'll get rid of the television. If he will, then marry him. If not, find someone else."

The 40-year-old asked, "I found someone who will marry me, but he has a television in his house. Do I accept?" The Imam answered, "Buy a TV Guide!"

Why was the Imam's response different for each Sister?

Because the 20-year-old is at a desirable age, and there are plenty of other men who will marry her who don't own a television.

The 30-year-old is at a less desirable age, and there are fewer men who will marry her. If the man will compromise, then it will be a good match.

The 40-year-old is not so desirable for marriage and has very few choices of men who will marry her. She should not be so picky and compromise in order to get married.

Pure Heart

Feb 11, 2020 03:26

Salam everyone,

@Peace Guy dear
I like the way the joke was illustrated and to add to the dilemma what if the woman is 50 years old, should she get the TV guide and another TV so they can both watch their fave programs right next to each other?😋 a new tagline ....Watching TV together happily ever after
I have a question for you dear. Is relocation a top priority for you in terms of choosing your partner?

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Deleted User

Feb 11, 2020 04:17

That imam gave horrible advice! 🙂

Azeem Razzaq

Feb 11, 2020 14:49

@pure heart, I dont think so that its difficult to relocate from one place to another. It also a top priority for me to do it.

Pure Heart

Feb 11, 2020 16:47

Salam Azeem

Its good to know u can relocate elsewhere because most men don’t like it

Pure Heart

Feb 11, 2020 17:09

Salam everyone

If one of my criteria in the finding Mr Compatible is his ability to communicate either in typing or on the phone or on cam n he doesnt do much of all these, what is the message he is trying to convey?

Peace Guy

Feb 11, 2020 22:19

@Pure Heart

...And the 60 year old should buy the tv broadcasting station...

@Annabelle

It's just a joke - not intended to be actual marital advice. It's funny because it *is* so horrible. Women are simply waiting too long to get married.

@Pure Heart
Q: "Is relocation a top priority for you in terms of choosing your partner?"

A: Yes, I have turned down women who wanted to marry me (if I would move to their country) because I don't want to leave my home and awesome life here. Neither will I have a wife living anywhere other than in my own home at my side. It has been a big problem, but not an issue on which I can compromise.

Communication Criteria: If a marriage candidate won't take the time to get through to your heart, then he doesn't care about you. If you cannot communicate with a potential husband, then you will never be understood. If you're misunderstood, then you could be disrespected. If you're not respected, then you will never be loved for "who you are". You may be lusted for, but not truly loved.

Never compromise on communication! It's mandatory for marriage.

However, I wouldn't rely on writing to determine if the two of you can communicate. The face-to-face dynamic can be very different than the love-letter stages of courtship.
Q: How many couples interact with one another by paper?
A: Only those who are divorcing!

The same goes for phone/video calls. A man who has to call his wife on the phone to talk with her is probably cheating on her!

Westerners commonly go out to movies to get to know one another...that's not something critical to a marital relationship. Why don't they try to interact by solving a problem like married couples would do? Couples must work together side-by-side, not sit in movie theaters all day!

Dialogue from "Down Under" [Australia]: "Welcome home my love, I just wrote you a message on the Helahel site like we've been doing for the past 20 years...yes, it's about our communication skills...I'll read your reply later tonight..."

Be careful, Pure Heart, I wouldn't want you to get swept off your feet by a tv guide salesman.

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Deleted User

Feb 11, 2020 22:53

Im not a woman waiting to get married, im just living my life, and if i find a man.. thats a bonus.

Pure Heart

Feb 12, 2020 01:40

Salam everyone,

@Peace Guy dear
Ty for your advice about the TV salesman 😋.To be honest, watching TV is a distraction for two people who are trying to get to know each other. Face to face is the best way to communicate n understand your partner because of the revealed facial expression, body gesture and voice management. But it is a challenge when both are in different countries. Even through typing n phone interaction there is still no guarantee that you are compatible until you sit in front of each other. There is the question of who should make the first move when meeting for the first time. Cultural n religious considerations must be accounted n so the burden of the cost remains questionable. I feel the risks are high too for the female if she were to make the first move.

@annabelle

I am not waiting either as l feel life is too short to be looking for Mr Compatible forever. I believe in Qada’ n Qadar n if there is someone out there for me, Aamin, if not, its ok. Religion n family become the priority all the way.

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Deleted User

Feb 12, 2020 02:44

I don't have to worry about family either! Im lucky, get to do what i want.

Pure Heart

Feb 12, 2020 12:53

Salam Annabelle,

Then you deserve everything that you wished for good for you👍🏻🌺

Azeem Razzaq

Feb 12, 2020 19:04

After reading your comments @Peace guy, I think this site is just waste of time and effort. One should change his/her direction for suitable life partner. Instead of wasting time over here.

Peace Guy

Feb 12, 2020 20:09

@ Azeem Razzaq

I'm very sorry, my brother, that I have discouraged you. Please remember that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ‎) can have anyone meet anywhere if He desires. This site is still good for introducing potential marriage candidates. We must all make efforts to try to move forward to get married.

Peace Guy

Feb 12, 2020 20:28

@ Pure Heart and Annabelle

Because we've gotten so far off topic, I'm starting a new thread for those who have a nonchalant attitude towards getting married.

Please see:
"Whole or Half? - Jannah or Bust!"

Pure Heart

Feb 13, 2020 00:59

Salam Peace Guy dear

I didnt get off the topic at all dear. I am stating that l am not desperate because to meet the Right one takes time and l have all the time in the world. But l will read your n join your topic

Pure Heart

Feb 13, 2020 01:13

Salam everyone

Being compatible with your partner in many ways more than one does give both hope to make the final move which is to decide where is the best place to reside together. There are many factors to be taken into consideration the location for the merge:- family commitment, economic factors, financial stability (esp when there are kids involved) and other factors not mentioned.
The general rule is that the woman would go to the man, marry him n reside with him. But when there are other factors to be considered, the test of flexibility n compromise come into the picture.
At the end of the day, its either compromise or noth go separate ways. After all the effort n time put into the relationship, its sad that things didnt work out to plan.

Pure Heart

Feb 22, 2020 06:32

Salam everyone

I think to know more of the people you are interested, the best way is to go to an active online chat like paltalk messenger so we can chat on d mic n go on cam n still protect our phone number😊😊
I wonder how many dares to do this😋😋

Insh123

Feb 23, 2020 21:53

Salam sister,

1) I feel like saying what we look for in a partner is a must on this site or any online dating site. The screening process starts with the picture and ends with the bio. The only women i've had a real connection with were the ones who read my bio and felt like we had similar interests. And I won't message women who don't clearly states what they look for either. It's been working well so far.

2) I've experienced it firsthand with someone who I thought had a similar view on life but after talking a couple of weeks turns out it wasn't the case. Even if the person pretends or even think they match our criterias we'll ultimately know. It's such a waste of time.

3) I don't know, what's the percentage of people having an account on Helahel who read the forum?

Pure Heart

Feb 24, 2020 02:14

Salam Insh

I think because of my fear of scammers, l have become too cautious and too rigid in getting to know men. I notice that a few just disappear especially when l dont give out my number or meet them in person.
Maybe l am too careful or maybe they have lost interest but l guess there must be wisdom in each situation.
I once read that even if you think that person is compatible n perfect for you, when things still dont work out, there is still wisdom in the outcome.

Insh123

Feb 26, 2020 21:52

Salam,

There is indeed wisdom in everything. And sometimes the wisdom is trying to tell us to stop overthinking too much. I think you have enough experience to feel when someone is not being genuine with you. But it's true that there is no need to rush, what's meant to be will be insha'Allah. When you truly enjoy the company of someone you don't pressure them for phone number or meetings, unless you have ulterior motives.

The good thing with this platform is we keep our anonymity while being able to exchange in long format and all of it without having to reply immediately. I personally enjoy it. It lets you vet people better.

Pure Heart

Feb 27, 2020 02:47

Waalaikumussalam Insh

I can tell you this though dear, patience can really test any fake or genuine relationship for sure. A few men that l have spoken to remain silent when l choose to not meet them or exchange numbers. I was accused of being a fake because l refused to give in to their demands. Even the one or two that l know for a while are m.i.a maybe because they can’t get anywhere with me.
Wisdom adds a lot of caution and patience for me. I don’t know what my future will be but l know l will never rush into any relationship because l know at the end of the day, l would end up thumbs up or down with or without a man. Its not about being materialistic or choosy, its about compatibility in many ways more than one.
Compatibility must be taken into acct based on some of these criteria (l may have forgotten some areas so pls add if you think its relevant):
A) religious beliefs
B) cultural beliefs
C) social beliefs
D) economic beliefs
E) personalities
F) roles and functions in the relationship
As a woman, l look at my partner with respect as he would be the Imam, n head of the household. But l would not participate in the relationship blindly or dumbly because 2 people can think and decide better to make anything work. Respect is earned and should not be taken for granted because of the above criteria.
Wisdom plays a big role in ensuring both individuals are on the right path. The decision to delay the relationship does not mean l am against marriage but its more of ensuring the compatibility level is higher n healthier. But if what l say contradicts what n how you think, you are welcome to voice.
There will always be ups n downs in any relationship but what makes the relationship strong is the belief that no matter how tough the situation is, fighting for the relationship is the top priority. It isn’t about proving who is better or smarter, its about collaborating to find solutions.

Insh123

Mar 1, 2020 22:37

Assalam 'aleykum sister pure heart,

I totally agree with everything you said. I always try to put myself in others' shoes before asking for something. How would they feel if I asked for their number now? Did I prove myself to be genuine and serious about this? Is it necessary to switch over or can we still continue talking here? Both men and women need to understand the other person's wants and needs.
I read in some women's profile that they wanted to get married in the next 6 months and I'm sure there are also some men who feel the need to get it done quickly. But that can be a recipe for a disaster, or a sweet miracle. In any case, better be safe than sorry.

As you said compatibility in your thinking is a must. And I like the "wait to find someone who's compatibility level is higher and healthier". But I do wonder, although patience is good, how can we make sure that we will ever find someone like that? How do we know that one of the people we refused weren't going to reach that level?

I'll take myself as an example. I may think of some things differently or act a certain way and not be compatible in appearance with someone but with a little bit of talking and learning, change for the better. So do we just straight out reject people who are not compatible or is there another way?

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Deleted User

Mar 2, 2020 02:23

You are both lovely people, youll both find a your partners. 🙂

Pure Heart

Mar 2, 2020 02:24

Salam Insh,

A good question to answer. To wait or not to wait is all up to you. Who is to know the one we reject might be the one. But l do know this, if you show determination, patience, n perseverance then u know this person is worth getting to know

Pure Heart

Mar 2, 2020 02:24

Salam Insh,

A good question to answer. To wait or not to wait is all up to you. Who is to know the one we reject might be the one. But l do know this, if you show determination, patience, n perseverance then u know this person is worth getting to know

Pure Heart

Mar 2, 2020 02:24

Dear Annabelle

My Doa is for all

 

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