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avoid becoming a victim to predator shaykhs and marriage bandits

avoid becoming a victim to predator shaykhs and marriage bandits

Hna18 Created Apr 11, 2019 08:38
21 Comments

Marriage Bandits and the End of Secret Second Wives

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I just want to share an useful article. :

MORE AND MORE awareness has been raised regarding the phenomenon of ‘marriage bandits’ – those men, often portraying themselves as ‘religious,’ who approach women with convincing proposals of marriage, charming them into shady arrangements resembling (barely) ḥalâl hook-ups rather than serious commitments. Shortly after, victims of these predators will find themselves used and abused, their Islamic rights disregarded, and their stories discredited if they try to come forward with what happened to them.


However, while keeping in mind that the blame for such abuse lays squarely on the shoulders of the predators themselves, we must also acknowledge that the women involved are individuals of agency.

It is undeniable that they are often vulnerable (especially new Muslims or those without a strong Muslim support system), but we must also recognize that at the end, the marriage does not take place without the consent of the women themselves. It is rare, if ever, that these marriages are ‘forced’ in the sense that these women literally have no choice whatsoever.

We women cannot act as though we’re completely helpless in these situations. There are certain measures that women should take as a matter of course to ensure their own safety. It is unfortunate that this is an issue that even exists – much like rape or domestic violence – but at the end of the day, it is a harsh reality that must be faced and which we should be prepared for. If we want to empower women to take control of their lives, we must be ready to take responsibility for the decisions we make as well.

That being said, what are the proactive measures women should take in order to not be as susceptible to the appalling schemes of marriage bandits?

Be Aware, Be Wary
If an individual approaches you for marriage – whether it’s someone famous or not – the first rule of thumb should be: be aware and be wary. Especially if it’s a well-known daʿi or influential individual in the community, don’t be star struck. Keep your wits about you. Maintain an attitude of professionalism at all times; don’t communicate with them privately, without your wali or someone you trust CCed at all times.

Don’t fall for flattery. Many women suffer from low self-esteem or have deeply rooted insecurities, and someone who provides praise and reassurance immediately gains their trust. Always remember that you should never base your self-worth and confidence on others’ opinions of you – develop your own self-esteem. Know that someone who is preying upon your fears or weaknesses is not someone who sincerely cares about you.

Know that just because someone is a shaykh or a daʿi, it doesn’t mean that they are perfect, that they practice what they preach, or that they are good husbands. They are human, they can be good and they can be bad, and even the good ones have flaws. Never allow yourself to be blinded by an idealistic fantasy of being “the Shaykh’s wife” – the reality is very, very different.

Simply put, don’t rush. Don’t advertise your insecurities or your loneliness in marriage advertisements. Do your research with your wali, and don’t be embarrassed to do a thorough background check, including finding out about past relationships and doing credit checks. If it is an individual who travels a lot, find out about places he has spent time in and try to find out what his history is in those areas.

Hold Your Wali Accountable
The concept of the wali – a guardian or helper – has unfortunately been maligned, minimalized, or abused amongst many Muslims. While a wali’s duty is to have the best interests of a woman at heart when seeking for a prospective spouse, it has become all too common for walis to fall into one of two extremes: either to be completely negligent, or to be unreasonable and entertain offers that only suit their cultural or personal biases.

Women need to be educated as to the Islamic reasoning behind having a wali – no, it’s not to reinforce the patriarchy, even if it is abused in that way – and seek out a good wali.

Ideally, the qualities of a good wali are that he is of both good religious practice as well as character (so obviously, not someone who outwardly looks religious but engages in abuse, financial fraud, or other distasteful and unethical practices); that he should not have a conflict of interest regarding the proposed marriage (i.e. he’s not the would-be-groom’s best friend); that he is sincere and truly cares about the woman’s best interests; and that he understands the seriousness of the responsibility. It should be noted that a wali’s role does not end upon the performing of the marriage contract; should any issues arise within the marriage, the wali should be present (or at least accessible) and ready to advocate for the woman.

One way to ensure that a wali will do his job appropriately is to have a way to hold him accountable. Should you get screwed over because you trusted the wali to do a thorough background check and he didn’t, you should be able to report his negligence to those who have some kind of authority or influence over him. Of course, this is easier said than done and impossible for some due to community politics and lack of accountability in our communities in general, but it is something that should be seriously considered before trusting any random Joe or brother Bilal to play such an important role.

Watch for Red Flags and Check Your Attitude
If the proposed arrangement is one that involves polygyny – and especially secret polygyny – then first of all, watch out for red flags. If he says that he needs to keep you a secret for his reputation, or because his first wife “can’t know just yet” – then know that he is being less than forthcoming, and that he cares more about his image and self-satisfaction than your well-being, or his wife’s.

Polygyny already has a horrific reputation in the Muslim community because of how terribly it is practiced – don’t perpetuate that nightmarish cycle. Insist on your right to have a recognized marriage, and to communicate with his first wife directly to ensure that she is aware of his actions and that you are not harming her with the decision to become a second wife. If he gets angry, upset, or defensive about this, then that is enough of a red flag – shut down the conversation and don’t look back. Lying and deception does no one any good, least of all you.

On the other hand, check your own attitude. There is a tendency for some people to paint all second wives as naïve victims, and while this is true in some cases, it is not true for all. There are numerous examples of women whose attitudes regarding polygyny are worrisome in and of themselves. “It’s my right to marry him,” is a common phrase, and “I don’t need the first wife’s permission.” If one goes in with such a callous perspective, then to be blunt, Do you really expect to be treated any better? If you are considering becoming a second wife, then know that your decision will directly affect another woman’s life and marriage. Live according to the principle of iḥsân (excellence), and you will receive such in return:

Is the reward for good [anything] but good? [Sûrat Al-Raḥmân, 55:60]

Being vague about mahr, or promising something like “I’ll teach you my knowledge” or “take you for Hajj” are also indicators of a lack of commitment. One of the wisdoms behind the mahr is that the woman has a financial fall-back to depend on, should things unexpectedly go sour; as such, don’t give into pressure that, “The most blessed marriage is the one with the smallest mahr.” Ask for a reasonable amount that will show that you’re serious and expect seriousness in return.

It cannot be emphasized enough that you need to take your time and do your part in vetting an individual for marriage. If someone is pressuring you to ‘hurry up’ or threatening to move on and speak to another woman instead, then know that you can do without such an individual.

Won’t Someone Think of the Children?
Among certain groups, there are women with children who take part in serial remarriage – with devastating consequences for the children. As a mother, you cannot make rash or weak decisions based on your immediate emotions. Your (re)marriage(s) will impact your children seriously, and often, not for the better. Making a mistake once or twice can, perhaps, be considered forgivable… but if you’re on round 3 or 4 and you’re still on the marriage carousel, going from one man to another, then the serious problem here is your poor judgment.

There are many, many, many cases of women who have made this mistake and whose children ended up scarred, traumatized, and more often than anyone would like, left Islam completely. Children are vulnerable and deeply affected by having men enter and leave their lives so abruptly even when the men themselves are good; but when those men are sociopaths, abusers, or just downright callous, the trauma of witnessing one’s mother (and themselves) at the mercy of these individuals can be overwhelming.

If you’ve already gone through a painful marriage and divorce, don’t rush into remarriage. Take time to heal, focus on your spiritual and emotional well-being, and that of your children. While marriage may seem like a quick-fix solution to financial or other issues, know that it is not always successful. It is far better for your – and your children’s – mental and spiritual health to seek long-term solutions involving counseling, education, building healthy support systems, and working towards financial stability. Again, this may be easier said than done, but it is also less likely to result in your children’s faith and psyches being damaged.

It should be noted that the above points do not necessarily apply to everyone’s situations. There will always be times when, despite one’s best attempts at precaution, predators will still find a way to weasel their way into manipulating and abusing others. In such cases, one should not be afraid to step away as soon as it’s clear what’s happening, and to report the individual to the authorities or those within the community who are likely to hold the person accountable and possibly prevent them from committing such abuse with others.

In conclusion, the best way to avoid becoming a victim to predator shaykhs and marriage bandits is to educate yourself, have self-respect, and be very, very cautious. Don’t be easily swayed by charm, false promises, and the appeal of fame. Know that marriage is a serious undertaking, a commitment that requires one to be educated about both one’s Islamic rights as well as real-life skills, and above all, sincerity. Place your trust in Allah and seek His guidance every step of the way.

Source: https://aljumuah.com/marriage-bandits-and-the-end-of-secret-second-wives/

 

This topic has 30 comments

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Deleted User

Apr 11, 2019 10:31

Keren mbak, makasih pncerahanx

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Deleted User

Apr 11, 2019 13:19

♥️

Amir

Apr 11, 2019 14:11

Just what we need here, more fear mongering. First the scammers, and now the bandits.

BTW Polygamy Mormon style -
https://youtube.com/watch?v=i-Pm5092a0c

Mohamed

Apr 11, 2019 14:14

"don’t communicate with them privately, without your wali or someone you trust CCed at all times." Perfect advice among this strong "Islamic " feminism .

I like it .. actually it is awesome to see strong character women that speak from modern yet Islamic speech.


And I want to say that religion and being pious is not taken from the appearance.. it much deeper than that . But the appearance is very important though.

And maybe this predators shaykhs maybe and they are good men for another women .. I mea. It may be not the women fault nor the "shaykh ".. simply they are not compatible enough.

Hna18

Apr 16, 2019 11:30

@sister Marry me... kita sama2 belajar ya.. dan terus berusaha menghargai diri kita sendiri... semoga yg baik dipertemukan dengan yg baik.. dikuatkan dan dipermudah jalannya oleh Allah menuju keluarga yg sakinah mawaddah dan warohmah aamiin

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Deleted User

Apr 16, 2019 12:12

Siiplah.
Amiin

Hna18

Apr 16, 2019 12:13

@amir the video was hilarious. thank you for sharing. Polygamy is fine yet its allowed in Islam if the husband can do justly.. and the only one man who the best in doing justly is Prophet Muhammad (shalallahu alaihi wassalaam).
What I saw in this video, all of his wives love each others and they were happy, They all have their own house and well cared of.
Yet What I saw mostly in reality...a husband trying to find his second wives without wanting his first wife know about it. Or maybe they knew each other but he wants to put all of his wives under the same roof. You know what's going to happen then...
Because women are vulnerable even Our prophet didn't want her daughter Fatimah Azzahra Ra got hurt if Ali RA would have married another wives.
That's only my opinion.
The right things only comes from Allah... if it's wrong it comes from me. Please forgive.. Salaam

Hna18

Apr 16, 2019 12:25

@Mohamed... the only most important thing is us ladies yet human we have heart just like men have.
Feel what we feel.. if men really care about their women feelings..
Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character. And the best of you are those who are best to their women.”(At-Tirmidhi and authenticated by Al-Albani).
If you do all like this to your wife.. they will love you in return more than they love themself...insha Allah.
The good things only comes from Allah and if it's wrong it comes from me. Please forgive.. salaam

Hna18

Dec 30, 2019 13:33

Just remind to all muslimah

Hna18

Dec 30, 2019 15:07

There is someone obviously doesn't want this post be on the top of forum.
Lol.
He is so phetatic. Yes a guy...
See where he is going?

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Deleted User

Dec 30, 2019 17:32

It is not permitted for a man to be alone with a woman who is not his mahram, because the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “No man should be alone with a woman unless there is a mahram with them.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (1862) and Muslim (1341). Also, he (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “No man is alone with a woman, but the Shaytan is the third one present.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1171).

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zanat

Dec 30, 2019 19:20

Salam @hna18 wow amazing post I have really learned something from that thanks for those powerful words..may Allah guide us all in shaa Allah

smartzy1

Dec 31, 2019 00:18

As for me, I'll say this is the first thread I've seen here that seem to be unbiased about marriage. Even point is clear and fit into the kind of world we live now.
The girl child needs to be educated well enough. I have a younger sister who got married as a second wife. She's well educated likewise the husband. He got my sister another house and my sister told me she's in good relationship with the first wife.
I feel guys misuse the advantage they have over making decision in the name of Islam but I girls too need to check them self if they're taking the right step.
This website now seem like a school to me because I never thought there could a post like this. Every one is just trying to defend themselves.
Thanks @HNA18 for this post.

Hna18

Dec 31, 2019 14:20

@Jowj : thank you for adding the hadist and remind me and us as muslimahs. May Allah gives what you've been expecting for aameen

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Deleted User

Dec 31, 2019 17:07

@Hna18 Asalaamu Alaikum ameen. I have many patients who are females, and I have a rule. I do not see any females minor, old or a adult, males minor child or any mentally unstable male.

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Deleted User

Dec 31, 2019 17:08

Salaah (صلاة‎) is an Arabic word that means to pray or bless, which suppress distress through the verses of the Quran.
The act of worship through the verses of the Quran.

The second of the Five Pillars rivers of harmony with your Deen.
The Purpose and importance of salah are to act as a person's communication supplication to Allah alone the only one.

Obligatory religious not a superstitious duty for every adult, sane conscious while you act gets a deposit of your act of devotion.
Muslim prays five times a day while facing towards the Kaaba in Makkah, also known as Bakkah mentioned in Surah 3 al Imran, ayah 96 of the Quran the holy city of the Muslims.

One stands, bows prostrate oneself and conclude with sitting on the ground as you atone your sins.
During each posture, one reads certain verses, phrases, and prayers.
Ritual purity is a precondition an act of devotion.

Salah consists of the repetition of a unit called a rakʿah, a sequence of prescribed actions without distraction and words which is heard by your Lord.
The noun salah (‏صلاة‎) is used 82 times in the Quran.
The words salah is connected to, and such as a mosque, another name is masjid, wudu and dhikr, etc.

Surely my prayer, and my sacrifice and my life and my death are (all) for Allah.
Allah says Surah 20 Taha ayah 14 "I am Allah, there is no god but I, therefore serve Me and keep up prayer for My remembrance.

SamirDZ

Dec 31, 2019 17:48

If we want to empower women to take control of their lives, we must be ready to take responsibility for the decisions we make as well. That's so funny feminism Bullsh-it.

In islam everything is very clear. Marriage has to go through these conditions to be halal:
Wali (father, uncle...whatever the next kin is if the first one is dead, then the one next in chain.)
2 witnesses
An imam
Mahr

Unfortunately for you stupid girls out there who never read a thing, if you don't have these, your marriage is nulified, and it is pure zina and fornication.

If a woman doesn't have any wali, she can make the imam her wali or the governor, the judge...etc.
The non virgin woman can marry herself to a man if she sees that he is a good match, pious...etc.

SamirDZ

Dec 31, 2019 18:02

@ Hna18
You should learn a bit more sis, the prophet peace be upon him didn't build to each wife a separate house. nah. Ignorance can kill you.
Each wife had her own room. In Arabic حجرات means ROOMS NOT HOUSES NOT APARTMENTS NOT VILLAS NOT MANSION, NOT SEPARATE HOMES............

Why he peace be upon him refused that Ali radia Allahu taala anhu to marry another wife with Fatima radia Allahu anha?!
Because the co-wife to be was the daughter of one of the most non-believers and ennemies of the prophet peace be upon him
SO NEVER EVER APPLY THAT TO ANY OTHER MAN, his case is SPECIAL. peace
Ali radia Allahu anhu married a total of 9 wives in his lifetime.

Amir

Dec 31, 2019 18:06

Everything is by consent now a days. No one is forcing anyone to do anything. And yet, what used to be limited to redlight districts in the past has spread all over towns.

Hna18

Jan 1, 2020 03:35

@zanat... you're welcome... I hope there will be many women get their self esteem, confident and love their self.. love for you all ladies. inshaAllah we will find a way.

Zeinab58

Jan 1, 2020 07:36

Salaam
This is an old article that was circulating on a Facebook page a few years ago due to a known issue that was extremely prevalent in a city in the U.K. its a worthwhile reminder.
It’s a little said some of the comments, and yes sadly some sisters don’t read or more importantly do not know or learn their rights or more disturbing are told by those in authorities eg sheikhs or imams such things as ‘oh you are a mature woman you don’t need a wali’.
It all our duty to ensure that all matters relating to marriage are dealt with in accordance to islamic rulings and humanistic values and feelings.

Hna18

Jan 1, 2020 15:15

@zeinab58... thank you zeinab, for sharing the background of this article,..
For here in Indonesia we all know and become a mandatory to get married with a wali. Or your marriage won't be accepted.

May Allah gives strength to all ladies to have their rights aameen

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Deleted User

Jan 1, 2020 16:04

@Zeinab58, Asalaamu Alikum. Just for information for everyone here in response to Zeinab58 with the utmost respect. In Hanifi fiqh adult females do not need to have a wali or wakil (it is recommanded for her protection to have a wali). However, the Kazi will ask for a Wali and two witnesses). It the is recommended to have respect for other schools of thought, or someone who does not follow any school of thought and try to understand other option in sharia views as there are ikhtilaf (Arabic: اختلاف‎, 'disagreement, a difference of opinion'). It is always best to try to understand others and be tolerant of other views which someone does not have to follow. Just do not pick and choose without proper knowledge. I have done a few ceremonies for nikah (free service I always ask for a Wali and two male witness or the rules changes if there are any females in the witness). Everything is not just black and white. I pray someone can benefit from the information inn sha Allah. And Allah Knows Best.

Hna18

Jan 2, 2020 07:10

Thank you for the adding @jowj

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Ana

Jan 2, 2020 08:01

What is the wali for?

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Deleted User

Jan 2, 2020 12:52

@Ana Asalaamu Alikum.

"Wali" (Arabic: ولي‎, plural ʾawliyāʾ أولياء) is an Arabic word with several meanings, including "guardian," "protector," "helper," "a man close to God," or "holy man" is someone who has "Walayah" (authority or guardianship) over somebody else and in fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence).
The Wali for nikah needs to be a male.

Wali particularly "an authorised agent of the bride in arranging a marriage agreement (Islamic Law),"

In summarising who ensures their rights in a marriage. Where the Wali traditionally selects the bridegroom, however, the bride still has the final saying in selecting her life partner.

Marriage is not allowed to be forced by anyone, or else this invalidates the marriage contract. Thus the marriage is not valid.

In Islam, there is no such thing as forced marriage; however, there are some jahil (ignorant) people do force their child into a marriage for whatever reason, which is not right in any Sharia ruling.

Muslim scholars have held that for the nikah (marriage) to be valid, there must be a consent of the bride,

In the Hanafi madhhab, the rule that marriage contracts that they do without the presence or consent of the girl's guardian are valid.

the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "No previously-married woman (widow or divorcee) may be married until she has been asked about her wishes (i.e., she should state clearly her wishes), and no virgin should be married until her permission has been asked (i.e. until she has agreed either in words or by remaining silent)." They asked, "O Messenger of Allaah, how is her permission given (because she will feel very shy)?" He said: "By her silence."
(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4741)

The conditions of the Wali are as follows:
He should be of sound mind
He should be an adult
He should be free (not a slave)
He should be of the same religion as the bride.
He should be of good character ('adaalah – includes piety, attitude, conduct, etc.)
He should be male
He should be wise and mature (rushd), which means being able to understand matters of compatibility and the interests of marriage.
A wali who is more closely-related should not be ignored unless there is no such person or the relatives do not meet the specified conditions.

A woman's Wali is her father, and then whoever her father may have appointed before his death, then her paternal grandfather or great-grandfather, then her son, then her grandfathers sons or grandsons, then her brother through both parents (full brother), then her brother through her father, then the sons of her brother through both parents, then the sons of her brother through her father, then her uncle (her father's brother through both parents), then her father's brother through the father, then the sons of her father's brother though both parents, then the sons of her father's brother through the father, then whoever is more closely related, and so on.

The Muslim leader (or his deputy, such as a qadi or judge) is the Wali for any woman who does not have a wali of her own.

In the Hanafi fiqh, a mature girl has the choice to marry or not to marry. She can marry whomsoever she wishes - no one can force her to marry a particular person. If she marries a person on her own, the nikah will be valid irrespective of whether the Wali is informed or not, and irrespective of whether the Wali gives his consent or not.

If anyone here does not follow the Hanafi fiqh, then the rules are applied differently, please inquire from your local scholar who follows the same school of thought or views.

I am sorry for this lengthy message is this is not a simple topic. If anyone in doubt or needs clarification of the above, please check with a scholar who knows the one that you follow.

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Ana

Jan 2, 2020 13:23

Thmks, but how does the guardian protect the rights of a person by being at a wedding?

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Deleted User

Jan 2, 2020 13:46

@Ana, Asalaamu Alaikum. If you can ask a local scholar, you know if you do not have access to someone like that, I will inn sha Allah try to answer. Be aware the answer can be very lengthy. If you can read lengthy messages and tolerate me with patients, I will inn sha Allah give you a scholarly response.

SamirDZ

Jan 3, 2020 10:43

@ Ana
He can't protect anything, the wali or guardian is there for etiquetes and as the sharia islaimc law, or else the marriage is invalid.
But if there is no wali, the woman can make the imam or the judge or governor her wali.
Marriage is islam is very easy:
Bring 2 witnesses
the wali
Imam or any person who reads the Opening chapter of Quran
Mahr (dowry) It can be anything, a dollar or a million dollars, an islamic book or a Quran, or teach the bride a hadith or aya.
Announcement of the marriage, so that people know.

You can do this in less than half an hour, no need for wedding ceremonies and other nonsense.

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Ana

Jan 3, 2020 10:45

So a guardian is just there as that is what is deemed politness?

 

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